My ideal body wish

Over the past 8 years I have been married to an amazing man who is soon to be retired from 15 years in the Army. I had three amazing kids and I gained 110 pounds. Two years ago I realized I wasn't losing the weight on my own.

I went to the doctor and found I had a Hiatal hernia, due either to my high weight increase or pregnancies. I had to have surgery to fix it. That made me get serious, I did not want it to slip and have to go through surgery again.  I was lucky to have free access to a nutritionist and personal trainer through the base.

I've tried pretty much everything on the market, almost all kinds of supplements, eating nothing but vegetables, drinking nothing but water, skipping meals, working out everyday, etc. but nothing worked.

I'm extremely miserable because I really want to look beautiful not only for my husband but also for myself. I've always been the "big girl" out of my friends because I am not a size 0-2 with small breasts like them and it makes me feel like I am obese and unattractive. I just want to finally be happy with my body and not be so frustrated when it comes to clothes shopping because I can’t fit anything I like. It’s just very frustrating. I just want to be happy and feel sexy and confident with my body.

Thinner friends don’t mean to hurt me when they tell me they “feel fat” but they do.  My body becomes a prop for their low self-esteem, and I am tasked with bearing the weight of their shame.

They say “I feel fat” when they worry that they are unlovable, undesirable, lazy, broken. These moments are exhausting not only because of what they reveal about friends’ self esteem, but also because of what they reveal about what they believe is necessarily attached to bodies like mine. They say “I feel fat” when they worry that they are unlovable, undesirable, lazy, broken. The insult they hurl at themselves is that they might just look like I do.  It’s hard not to be hurt by that.

But “fat” isn’t an emotion. It’s a body type. And it’s my body type. It’s painful to watch my friends in pain, and hearing my body insulted in the process hurts all the more.

“Feeling fat” can arise in response to social situations too. We may come to realize that we’re eating more than those around us. We might feel as if we’re being judged, rejected or perceived as taking up too much space. 

I don´t want to be that girl anymore, I don´t want to thing about how to get my goal and then fail again and again. I need help and I am suffering. I can not deal with this anymore, I will to get my ideal body right now, TODAY. And I am doing my best to achieve that goal that for so many people is just a detail, because they were born like this (thin) that for me means perfect.

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