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Lost Love and Mother- NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET
I am a wife and mother of 6 children. (3 from my previous and 3 from my current marriage, ages 18,17,12,4,2,and 9 months)
My husband and I have argued about finances for some time, and the dynamics of our family are difficult at best as my two oldest sons are ADHD, high functioning Aspergers, PTSD, and have a series of learning disorders.
Apart from finances, I believe my husband to be an alcoholic. He claims he has not drank since August 26, and thus doesn't have a problem.
On July 26, we had an argument which led me to call the police for the purpose of diffusing it. Mind you, my husband had already packed his clothes a week prior and never unpacked prior to that time.
He had false domestic violence charges filed against him nearly 7 years ago in another state with his ex fiance. Given what he went through, he feels I crossed the line in calling the police and thus does not trust I would not again.
He does not understand I called the police for the purpose of diffusing a situation and feels I wanted to bring charges against him and have him arrested. He had scratches on him (my nails were long and as he am I went through a tug of war with some belongings (ie: my checkbook, cash and my credit cards which he was going to take with him), and I had a could cuts on my hands from the struggle.
He was asked to leave that evening but I insisted to the police that it was a tug of war and that no parties be arrested. He left with his pre-packed bag, and did not return.
Prior to this argument, he had changed the passwords on all our online banking, utilities, and phone accounts- making it impossible for me to access any information.
I'd had some health issues pertaining to my heart, and really needed support with the children as I work full time. He refused to assist.
I learned he'd moved back in with his parents who we had severed ties with for 4 years given their alcoholism and meddling in our relationship. He claims they've been sober since then and had established residency with them. I was crushed.
He subsequently stated to me he would take the children since I was having health issues, but refused to disclose where they'd be. At that point, I called the police as I feared I would never see my children again- a thought I could not bear. They responded to my home, and issued an emergency protective order, which then became attached to temporary restraining orders. This was about 5 days after he'd left, had made no effort to see the children, and established new residence with his parents who since the time we were engaged had tried to break us up.
Prior to his being served with the temporary orders pending hearing, I'd begged him to reconsider and that we could work things out. I tried to avoid stop service of the order, and even went before the judge requesting the order be terminated as the effects on our small children have been great. My four year old's pleads for daddy to come home are heart-wrenching. He has begun hitting his siblings, spitting, screaming, and has no interest in speaking with his father most times he calls.
I attempted to make amends, have made numerous requests to compromise to the point of agreeing to everything he's ever asked for, and he is completely non responsive to my pleads, or those of the children. He has convinced himself he can form a better new life for himself. He doesn't see the emotional, behavioral, and psychological impact his choices have had on the children, and although he states he does love me, as do I him, he refused to work towards a new future together.
The following week, he'd hired an attorney who gave me ex-parte notice of a restraining order hearing the following morning. He claimed I'd been harassing him and telling him the kids were being affected and that it was taking an emotional tole on him. At the time of the hearing, his attorney served me with a divorce papers.
Following the hearing, he an I spoke at the courthouse for several hours, and agreed that dropping both orders was in the best interest of the kids. He however was told by his attorney that a stipulation would have to be entered into in order to do so, which is not true.
I went back to the judge and requested to terminate my order that day. She ordered all parties back the following day. That day, we both dropped our orders and his attorney kept pushing for stipulations, even after the judge had signed the order.
He saw the children for the first time in two weeks that day. He also saw them a few hours on Saturday and Sunday the following weekend.
I offered him to stay, but he said he felt uncomfortable and didn't want to be placed in a position where he might get in trouble.
The children need their father and I need my husband. We all love and miss him. The dissolution is still in effect, and I now have less than two weeks to respond. I've begged him to dismiss it, but he's stood firm thus far.
Two weeks ago, I had time I needed to make up from work due to lost time in court, and one of the children (first marriage) had modifications to her school schedule which placed me in a position where the nanny wouldn't be at the home for the younger ones, I couldn't make up time from work, and my daughter needed to be at school much earlier than ever.
I pleaded with him to please help with the children in the morning given the changes, and my inability to pay any more than the $1800/mo I had been paying for childcare to work. He stated it wasn't his problem, but mine, and that the situation in general was my doing. I told him the children are his responsibility as well. (I've been working full time, caring for all children in the evenings and throughout the night, ensuring their safety, health, quality time, care, food, and housing. He has gone to work from his new residence and returned each evening without having any responsibility as to the care of any of the children). He finally agreed to come in the morning (for a short amount of time per him) in order to assist with the childcare issues, but refused to stay. Instead, he began driving a minimum of 30 minutes to our home in the morning to be there by 6:00 am and watch the kids until 9:00 am when the nanny arrived so he could be at work by 10:00 am to work until 10:00 pm, to drive to his new residence 40 minutes from his work, to then do the same thing the next day.
We both truly love eachother and I am definitely willing to compromise for both our children and a new future. His fears keep him from being anything but defensive.
Our 5 year anniversary was on Aug 20, and he refused to dismiss the dissolution.
That Friday we had an *intense* couples therapy session (2 hrs). At the end, the mediator/therapist says: Iris, you nag him because he's unavailable emotionally. Ryan, you run from your relationships- it's all you've ever done. Now you're scared. You shut down emotionally, but there's a lot of love here and the marriage is not over. It's nothing that can't be worked through. Walking out, I asked him- did you hear that? His response: It isn't up to her.
I'd invited him to a bday party for a friend at a concert that Saturday. He refused to go for the prior 2 weeks. I made conscious efforts to be friendly and show him I'm taking care of my end and not nagging.
Saturday evening, he agreed to go. (yay!!!!)
It was like when we were newly in love.
He started holding my hand, hugging, caring. The comments he made to everyone at the party about me were super complimentary.
That night, he stayed at the house. We shared our bed, and re-consummated our marriage. He held me too throughout the night.
The following day he said it shouldn't have happened and it complicated things, because his head tells him one thing and his heart another, but he has no trust. He then said the prior night was amazing. He said "prior to dismissing the divorce, he'd need assurances things wouldn't change for a bit and then go back to how they were. He said there's a lot to work on and it would take baby steps to get there." He also said he wanted to take a couple hours of next weekend's visit to take the boys to meet his parents. I asked if they'd requested to see them. He said no, but they likely just didn't want to ask. I told him ok, but I know, and he affirmed, that most of his family hate me. He also stated he would have found a place by now, but was using the money to pay bills instead.
I'm wondering if they're already too intrusive to someone who soooo hates his space invaded.
I pray he finds space in his heart to stop over analyzing and over thinking everything.
I KNOW we can have more nights like that night. The two people who met 6 years ago last night are still there. At some point, we both stopped seeing them- but yes, they're still there.
Since then, I had a belated birthday party thrown for me by some close friends. I begged him to go. I'd set up the guest list to allow for investors, and various contacts from his industry to be there so he could try to get them interested in setting up his own company which he's dreamed of doing for years. Literally- everyone he'd need was there- set on a silver platter for him. That was also the day he wanted to take the kids to see his parents in the afternoon to have them back in the evening. We argued that day because I'd been told by one of his close family members that his parents had done things in the past involving: 1. his mother beating her sister who she was "caring for" and getting paid to watch as her sister was dying of cancer; 2. His father having major anger management issues 3. His father making improper sexual advances to others. These are the true reasons why I'd insisted on a break from his parents 4 years ago. I'd never told him all of it, and he still refuses to believe it to be true, although I was literally called to meet with the informant when she heard we'd been living at his parents house when we first married. This person went out of her way to find me to warn me and to plead with me to get us out of their house or our marriage and children would be destroyed by his parents.
I told him all I've ever done was to protect our family- our marriage- his feelings- our children.
He sees it as I took a strangers word as truth. This person was at his parents house when she states all this happened and saw with her own eyes their behavior.
I understand it's difficult for a child to believe his parents are that way, but he refuses to acknowledge it- at all.
I begged him- give me this week to show you I will not nag you, call, text, email, and will get things (financially) reduced. I've stuck to it, reduced our childcare expenses from $1800/mo to $990 a month, and am trying to secure a new residence for at least $500/mo less than what we were paying. I asked that if at the end of the week I could prove to him it was possible, to please dismiss the divorce. (I only have until Sept 11 to reply to it) He said he couldn't make any promises. Since, we've spoken civilly when he calls to speak to the kids at night. I asked him last night "tomorrow's Thursday- how am i doing so far?" he said "we're definitely communicating much better". I sent him an apology letter yesterday taking full responsibility for everything and letting him know I understand his hurt and frustration, and don't expect forgiveness, although I hope for it. I took all the blame off him and placed it on myself.
He saw a glimpse two weeks ago of how we easily fell back into love- unforced- it was better than when we were dating, engaged, etc. I know we can have that back.
I desperately need help as my timeline gets shorter by the minute and I fear the longer he's gone the harder it will be for him to return.
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